As I walked home tonight, I was thinking about what to say. Ch 2 and 3 brought up some dark stuff for me.

Quick note on the Bluebeard thing: Does anyone out there remember the scene in "9 1/2 Weeks" where the guy phones the woman who's in his apt. alone and asks her if she's been a "nosy parker"? He wants to know if she's gone through his stuff while he's been gone. She says no - but when he comes home he punishes her - by raping her.

This came up for me while reading Ch 2. Also, my evil ex came up. He seemed like an ok person - an AIDS activist, and good looking. But then as I got to know him, I realized that he had misdirected anger that he let out at protests - and that he would eventually let out at me. Everyone else around me - even my parents - seemed to think he was good for me. They even bought us furniture for our apt.

It's kind of reversed - everyone got fooled and remained fooled by him, except for me. Then I saw my escape and moved out - 6 months later. I am still haunted by him. Whenever I see someone who vaguely looks like my ex, I shiver.

Ch 3 - I just read this line "In her guts a woman knows there is a deadliness in being the too-sweet self for too long." I was the too sweet perfect daughter with good grades and always behaved well. When I decided to be who I really was - and was honest with my parents because I thought it was the right thing to do, they disowned me. But I had my integrity above all else.

When I grew a backbone and stood up for who I was, what I believed in, I became the prodigal daughter. I was the black sheep. My brother became the good son with the normal life when he was once the screwup. We switched places. He probably resented me for a long time because everyone had always compared him to me. I suppose he must have been relieved. I don't resent him now. I think he deserves to get the attention and the spotlight.

Vasalisa reminds me so much of Cinderella - I don't know if Estes mentions that in this chapter. When Cinderella decides to come into her own - to become who she truly is - she is laughed at by her evil stepmother and sisters. The glass slipper is so much more than that which leads her to the Prince's heart - it is the key to her freedom. It is like Vasalisa's torch, which will guide her through the darkness.

One more thing about intuition - i always used to second guess myself but once I knew I was doing the right thing for me, it became a lot easier to trust it. I'm still in the learning process of this.
nisaa: (Default)
( Feb. 6th, 2002 12:53 pm)
I am having a really strange day.
Since sometime last night I've been wanting to cry for unknown reasons - maybe it's just PMS. I forgot to take more of my happy pill yesterday.

I have been using my pinkie finger on my right hand as a worry stone I think. For months now. S* suggested I get an actual worry stone. I got one of those for when I went to see my mom. So today I took it out of the little pouch it was in, inside my change purse and started using it.

What the hell did I do to myself? My finger is raw and swollen and cracked and scabby. And if I am not careful, my ring finger with my wedding band and engagement ring will look just like it. I will NOT allow that to happen.

I put this new space age band-aid on the wound today - it's supposed to act like a scab and you keep it on for a few days.

In Jin shin jitsu, the little finger is supposed to mean you're "trying too hard". Starting from your thumb, it's Worry, Fear, Anger, Sadness, and Trying too Hard.

I guess I am trying too hard with work and school. But I didn't even study enough for class last weekend. Maybe my mind is just too focused on the big move to LA?

Might ask my mom if the eczema on her elbows was a nervous habit. Don't even know if she still has it.

I can not concentrate today. Better pick something small and simple and repetitive to do at work. Only 5 more hours to go.

Sigh.
.

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