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So much of this chapter touched me but I'm going to focus on the part about physical beauty here.
Estes writes:
"There is probably no better or more reliable measure of whether a woman has spent time in ugly duckling status at some point or all throughout her life than her inability to digest a sincere compliment. . . . If you say how lovely she is, or how beautiful her art is, or compliment anything else her soul took part in, inspired, or suffused, something in her mind says she is undeserving and you, the complimentor, are an idiot for thinking such a thing to begin with. Rather than understand that the beauty of her sould shines through when she is being herself, the woman changes the subject and effectively snatches nourishment away from the soul-self, which thrives on being acknowledged."
I have done this my whole entire life. S* keeps telling me how beautiful I am and asks whether I believe him when he says it - or if it's sunken in yet. Most of the time I try to change the subject or say something like "sort of". Sometimes he tries to get me to say "I'm beautiful". And I can tell you, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I struggle and struggle and tell him I won't say it and then sometimes, I'll cave in and say it.
It's easier for me to accept a compliment about my art. I'm not in the photographs I take, so it doesn't make me cringe so hard. I believe in my photography and my talent as a photographer, so that makes it easier too.
But when you spent a good year of your life washing your face and having cysts bleed on your washcloth, the image sticks with you for a long, long time. I had horrible acne. It took me years to find the right treatment for it. It scared me more than physically - it got to me emotionally and in other ways as well. My face cleared up finally about 7 years ago.
When I was 29, I had my modeling portfolio done. I'm 31 now and I'm beginning to model and get paid for it. The last modeling shoot I did was great. I felt terrific about myself when I saw the photos. But don't ask me to admit that I'm beautiful. They're photos and they can be manipulated and I'm wearing a lot of makeup and . . . You can see how my mind works about this sort of thing.
I've been an ugly duckling for most of my life. I'm now past my first Saturn Return and finally beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. I've found the "tribe" I belong to, my partner and my path in life. Things are definitely looking up.
I realize that I do need to feed my soul-self more by accepting compliments. That's work I need to start doing right now.
Like amaterasu-omikami, I need to be drawn out of my own cave to look at my reflection in the mirror and bring my own life to light.
Estes writes:
"There is probably no better or more reliable measure of whether a woman has spent time in ugly duckling status at some point or all throughout her life than her inability to digest a sincere compliment. . . . If you say how lovely she is, or how beautiful her art is, or compliment anything else her soul took part in, inspired, or suffused, something in her mind says she is undeserving and you, the complimentor, are an idiot for thinking such a thing to begin with. Rather than understand that the beauty of her sould shines through when she is being herself, the woman changes the subject and effectively snatches nourishment away from the soul-self, which thrives on being acknowledged."
I have done this my whole entire life. S* keeps telling me how beautiful I am and asks whether I believe him when he says it - or if it's sunken in yet. Most of the time I try to change the subject or say something like "sort of". Sometimes he tries to get me to say "I'm beautiful". And I can tell you, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I struggle and struggle and tell him I won't say it and then sometimes, I'll cave in and say it.
It's easier for me to accept a compliment about my art. I'm not in the photographs I take, so it doesn't make me cringe so hard. I believe in my photography and my talent as a photographer, so that makes it easier too.
But when you spent a good year of your life washing your face and having cysts bleed on your washcloth, the image sticks with you for a long, long time. I had horrible acne. It took me years to find the right treatment for it. It scared me more than physically - it got to me emotionally and in other ways as well. My face cleared up finally about 7 years ago.
When I was 29, I had my modeling portfolio done. I'm 31 now and I'm beginning to model and get paid for it. The last modeling shoot I did was great. I felt terrific about myself when I saw the photos. But don't ask me to admit that I'm beautiful. They're photos and they can be manipulated and I'm wearing a lot of makeup and . . . You can see how my mind works about this sort of thing.
I've been an ugly duckling for most of my life. I'm now past my first Saturn Return and finally beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. I've found the "tribe" I belong to, my partner and my path in life. Things are definitely looking up.
I realize that I do need to feed my soul-self more by accepting compliments. That's work I need to start doing right now.
Like amaterasu-omikami, I need to be drawn out of my own cave to look at my reflection in the mirror and bring my own life to light.
